CAN'T sleep.

this morning, i must've woke up at around 4 and went to the bathroom, i came back and went into bed, put my cpap mask on and i don't think i got any sleep from that time on because my cpap made my nasal passages burn, so i just laid in bed until fredrick came to my apartment at 7.. i let him in then tried to go back to bed, my cpap made my nasal passages burn too bad to get any more sleep. i work at 2 today.. i hope i don't fall asleep- just gonna have to make sure i have the tv turned on in the lobby, so hopefully it'll keep me awake. i know that there's a good chance that i wouldn't have to even require that stupid CPAP machine if it weren't for growing up around stupid ass guardians SMOKING SELFISHLY and causing the second hand smoke which is MORE THAN LIKELY a cause for me even needing to use that fuckin cpap machine. WHO CARES THOUGH?! NOT OUR PROBLEM! RIGHT AMANDA?! i can say that i've NEVER had the desire to even smoke cigarettes EVER. it just never appealed to me. i did wonder why i never had the desire but that never inclined me to actually ever try it myself. now i'm fucked having to deal with the consequences thanks to selfish elders (people older than me IN CHARGE of "taking care" of me).
i was laying in bed this morning thinking about my posters with pictures of me during my new york trips and how no one could mysteriously find them to hang them up in this apartment. i'm positive emily had to have thrown them away in an attempt to get my mind off new york- so i could just throw away all my goals and hopes to get the fuck away from this boring ass unopportunistic state- the only opportunities i have is probably to get arrested and forced into a prison camp in mexico or nicaragua or wtf that heifer plans to send me. doesn't bother my family though because if it did- they'd be helping me make sure i got my citizenship status legalized. that includes my stupid ass mom and amanda. IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM, SO WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY CARE?! I GOT THIS! RIGHT AMANDA?! IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM! that one guy.. i forget his name now, got in trouble because his citizenship wasn't legalized and they sent him to a prison camp. he had even been waiting for our stupid ass government to confirm it. so i'm pretty sure i'll go through the same shit. WHO CARES THOUGH?! RIGHT AMANDA? I GOT THIS! my fuckin family is too insecure to have the desire to help me. THEY DON'T WANNA SEE ANYONE HAVING THE POSSIBILITY OF DOING BETTER THAN THEM/ACCOMPLISHING GOALS THAT THEY THINK ARE TOO DIFFICULT FOR THEM.. SO WHY SHOULD THEY ENCOURAGE ANYONE ELSE?! RIGHT AMANDA?! I GOT THIS! i'm also sure amanda got together with emily and had those posters of me in new york thrown away.. WHY GET A STUPID DISABLED GIRL'S HOPES UP TO ACCOMPLISH HER GOALS?! SHE HAS A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY.. THAT MEANS SHE'S STUPID!! RIGHT AMANDA? SHE'S STUPID AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT HER ANYWAY! THIS IS JUST A PHASE! YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ELSE. STACY'S DELUSIONAL!- oh yeah.. i just looked up the guy who got sent to a guatemala prison camp by accident and it's kilmar abrego garcia.
i got work in about 3 hours.. i gotta go there tired as hell. although, fredrick picked my concerta up from the pharmacy and i had him open up the bottle and give me one (since she couldn't put it in my med cups in my anodyne machine because *GASP* I DIDN'T HAVE IT AND I HAVEN'T HAD IT FOR AT LEAST 2 WEEKS!)- because i'm pretty sure the nurse told me to do that. so HOPEFULLY it won't be as difficult to stay awake.. like it has been the past few days without the concerta.